Igor's Letter Home

April 1, 1996

Dear Mum,

I am doing fine. I'm still working the graveyard shift at the lab. The Doctor says he can't afford to give me a raise, but promises an increase in my health care benefits. I'm still in good health, except for my hump of course which acts up if there's a change in the weather.

Well enough of me, Tell me about the family. I understand Uncle Levar finally took down that old rusted rain gutter when he slid off the roof, well like I've always said, "One quick jerk is all it'll take." I understand that Ralph is still missing. Did anyone think to look under the front porch? You know he never was any good at plumbing and I'm missing a pipe wrench. Is Frank still stalking Sandra Dee? I thought George sold his body for scientific research, why did they give him his money back? And what's all this gene-splice stuff? I thought Auntie was going to take care of that with her Singer. What happened to Lyle's career in show business? I know chain-saw jugglers make darn good money, even one-armed ones. Please tell Cousin Ruth that I'm very proud that she's gone away to college, maybe someday she'll enroll in a class. Tell Uncle Waldo that I'm pleased he's found a cure for cancer and to come and see us when he visits from Mexico. Please say hello to Grandma, I understand she's been working-out and eating right. That's great, much can be said for prison life. Does she still think she's lives in a high-security condo?

Well that's all for now, if I write too much the carrier pigeon bumps into houses. Please write back soon.